Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Wednesday 29th December

Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, London.  A great place for children with very rich parents to pay for all the over-priced rides.  Not so great for tired two year olds, mother-in-laws who lose tokens for said expensive rides and me who has the patience of a saint – St Impatient.
It is a clever system where you buy £1 per token on the premise that each ride ranges from 2 - 8 tokens per person and lasts for approximately twelve seconds.
At least there is lots of food and drink, of course charged at Ritz prices with McDonalds flavour.
We managed to spend £60 in one hour.
I was wishing like mad I too owned a merry go round whilst sitting on a wet cold horse and getting dizzy.  I reckon the owners who look dirty and common are actually multi-millionaires bored with their day jobs.

Tuesday 28th December

After entertaining my semi-interesting brother-in-law, his even more dull wife and their annoyingly cute baby girl, my husband and I felt it would be fair to give our in-laws a break from the grandchildren and take them out to an indoor play.
These places should be condemned.  I am sure the germs there are so multiple you can actually see them floating around.
On the plus side, it is great exercise for your abs, legs and buttocks.

Monday 27th December

As is traditional at Christmas, it was time for a pantomime.  This one about Jack, his large beanstalk, Jill the slutty princess and Jack’s family made up of a transvestite mum and simple brother was actually mildly entertaining, except for the uncomfortable nipple tassle moment whilst the transvestite tried to seduce the evil FleshCreep.  At this point my South African friend was stunned to hear I felt the show was very professional.
Meanwhile my husband thoroughly enjoyed the second half ensconced in the bar with his friend drinking copious amounts of beer.

Sunday, 26 December 2010

Sunday 26th December

Boxing Day and I am exhausted from all the cooking. 
My husband went to a rugby game with my oldest son leaving me at home nursing a sick man, entertaining a two year old, and listening to my mother-in-law’s inane stories of insignificance.  I swear being in her presence has reduced my IQ by about 10%.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in a house with a senile couple whose conversation includes, “would you go to the moon to live” and “I was behind Robbie Williams in a queue once, what a lovely young man”.

Saturday 25th December

Christmas day went exactly as I expected.  My mother-in-law here to help with the kids couldn’t cope with a tantruming two year old, my husband went into hiding in the bathroom and no one cared that I needed space to actually cook the Christmas turkey.  To top it all off my father-in-law decided to be very ill and need lots of nursing from the mother-in-law taking away attention from the kids. 
When lunchtime finally arrived my mother was on hand to criticise everything I was doing and even tried to pursued my husband that she could carve the turkey better than him.  He was furious but managed to convince her he was just about capable enough.
After a successful lunch where no one insulted each other, swore or put each other down, the kids carried on stuffing themselves with chocolate which gave me ample time to prepare the huge tea, with a little help from my mother telling me the best way to do it of course.

Friday, 24 December 2010

Friday 24th December

Christmas Eve and already my stress levels are close to DEFCON 5.  In-laws at their most irritating – check! Sons driving me mad – check! Husband who is supposed to be back from work early, gone for a few sneaky pints – check!

At least the turkey was the right size when I picked it up from M&S. 

On a plus side seeing bin men fall over whilst doing their job has brought sunshine to my heart.  There is nothing like seeing someone else suffer to make you feel warm and fuzzy.

Roll on New Year’s Eve when I can drink copious amounts of alcohol on the pretence it’s OK on NYE to do this whilst upsetting at least one person during the night.  Ah, heaven.

Thursday 23rd December

Today it’s apparently zero degrees out.  With a wind chill factor it’s more like -10 degrees.  This has really pissed my in-laws off as they were desperate to get out again for their sneaky cafe latte whilst escaping from the kids.  Sounds fair doesn’t it.  Except my mother-in-law said she was over purely to help me.  Back in spain she can go out anytime.  And i guess they have been here for 4 days now!
On a plus note my father-in-law told us that my son asked him if he drinks – he used to, copious amounts – he went on to tell my six year old that he used to but not anymore due to illness.  My son looking completely bewildered said “not drink, shrink”.  He was watching Grandpa in my Pocket and was curious to know if his granddad was able to do the same.
My father-in-law has so far been mildly less annoying than normal.  His wind ups have been kept to a minimum and has only expected to be waited on 90% of the time rather than 100%, so that’s given me a break.

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Tuesday 21st December

After telling my mother-in-law yesterday that my son was recovering from a cold and was not up to a mile round trip to the local cafe, she decided to take him anyway.  Shockingly he is now worse than he was a few days ago, but apparently that has nothing to do with walking in snow and ice for over an hour.  This is mainly because my in-laws will crawl through broken glass for their cafe latte fix at the local expensive coffee house.  My husband says that they need time away from the house to have a good bitch.  A good bitch! There’s nothing like a pep talk from the old man to make you feel good about yourself.

Monday 20th December

Well, my in-laws have been with me for less than a day and already I am on the verge of walking out.  As helpful as my mother-in-law is she is determined to undermine my every move as much as possible. 

If I wanted a critic in my house I would have called my own mother without the expense of a plane ticket.  My father-in-law on the other hand is happy to sit in his favourite chair being waited on hand and foot, mostly by me.

Sunday 19th December

Despite the snow being thick but not too extreme England has decided to come to a complete stand still.  I was struck dumb when the news told us last night that all UK airports had closed down.  How on earth does Canada cope or Switzerland?  But, against all odds my in-laws made it through to Luton airport only 24 hours late.  

My husband even managed to get to the airport without any of the usual winter car-related fuss.  The roads were drivable and only the odd kamikaze lorry driver threatened his life speeding and changing lanes in -3 degree weather.

Saturday 18th December

Today the snow decided to dump 2 inches into my world turning it into chaos.  My in-laws from Spain, normally a phone call away allowing me to escape from the phone, were due to arrive today to stay for three long “wonderful” weeks.  Luckily for me, snow has delayed them.

Sunday, 5 December 2010

Saturday 4th December

What is going on with the weather?  Today is a balmy 5 degrees Celsius, yesterday a freezing -4 degrees.  Tomorrow apparently back to below freezing again.

And to make the day worse it seems nits are back in fashion amongst children, or at least mine.  After a lot of scratching and adding of nit oil, my children resemble those irritating nerds that used to chat to me in public.  The ones with severe halitosis and body odour - the nerds, not my children.

As tomorrow was going to prove extra busy with two parties for my children to go to, today was shopping day. This entailed dragging our unfortunate kids around a huge hypermarket picking up bargains of 400 toilet rolls we will never use in our lifetime.  

On the plus side, I did manage to get a great price on 10 christmas wrapping rolls, each 10 metres in length.  Shame I won't be able to use them all.  Can you give away wrapping paper as an Xmas present?

Saturday, 4 December 2010


A bad start to the day that fortunately for me only got worse.

Firstly I had a stinker of an argument with my husband that revolved around me apparently repeating my requests, or as he calls it "nagging".  I'm sure he meant reaffirming but has a smaller vocabulary than me.

Once he had left home and slammed the front door I was fortunate enough to have to deal with two screaming children on the coldest day of the year.

It is indeed hard to dress a two year old in gloves, hat, scarf, coat, wellington boots and three layers of trousers in five minutes when you are in a rush to get the older child off to school.  Especially when he insists he doesn't want to but wants to play Chase Me instead.

After arriving at the school playground my youngest falls in snow, ice and freezing puddles of water.  At least he was drenched and needed to be carried back to the car, leaving my eldest to go in alone.

Doing my usual music play on a Friday my regular playmate couldn't make it so instead I had to sit alone whilst the other mums who hate me sat together in a huddle and chatted about something I was not allowed to get involved in.

On the plus side, the boiler came on this morning!


In all households there is a ritual to the build up to Christmas and the winter months ahead.  And our house is no different.  The moment the temperate reaches zero degrees the boiler stops working. 
An annual event that has enriched our lives for the last 5 years.
A routine of getting up at 5.30am into the freezing loft whilst trying not to disturb the kids to reboot the boiler, whispering under your breath “This is the last year I’m doing this.  The fucking boiler has got to go.  I hate that bloody plumber.” Etc etc. 


My family were invited to a lunch by a local resident.  This apparently is the norm around here and despite the fact they are my parents’ age and seem duller than dishwater, I accepted on behalf of my family.  My husband was pleased.
The lunch proved to be delightful.  The food was awful, the company boring but both my husband and I learnt something very enlightening, he is not the most hen pecked husband in the world.
Whilst enjoying our dessert Mrs Dull told Mr Dull she wanted a small portion and whilst talking at us, screamed in his face “I SAID A SMALL PORTION.  NOW DO IT AGAIN!” and then carried on as normal.
I have much to learn from her.


I was accosted by those annoying people who wave charity bins at you.  This time it was some bird charity.  “Do you like animals?” he said.  “Yes, but I prefer them rare.  Well done and they are much too tough!”
I’m also depressed.  It appears, listening to an advert on the radio for incontinence pads, that I am now in their target age range.  How did they know whenever I cough or laugh I wet myself?  Maybe I should think about getting some.


One month until Christmas Day.  Taking my oldest for his swimming lesson proved to be more of a headache than usual and that in itself is a feat.  It should be illegal to allow mothers to have to drag two children to a swimming class when only one is swimming.  This leaves the other in dangerous territory, especially when he is under two, unable to swim and has a love of jumping in anything wet, even if it is a large Olympic size pool.
But this week was different.  Unlike the usual headache my oldest son decided to make it worse by needing “sit down toilet” during his class just after my youngest had done his “sit down toilet” in his nappy and just before he was doing a special swim award.
The result smelly fingers, a sore bottom and no swim award. 
At least the pool didn’t have to be cleared out due to an “accident”.


Today started out like any other Wednesday.  Taking my youngest to the local farm to pet diseased animals and catch some rare condition from their fur. 
However this week was a special week.  Santa’s Grotty has been opened for the little cherubs and the usual tractor trek is now the Christmas ride.  Christmas ride! Three pieces of tinsel attached to a tree and a cotton wool snowman looking thoroughly dishevelled does not an Xmas ride make.  It was definitely created by a group of disgruntled teenagers with as much passion as Scrooge.
In the evening attending the local residents AGM meant I had a good chance to meet a few of the locals including four miserable old women and the pervy looking chairman.  At least they offered a free glass of wine at the end.


I am overjoyed at the news that the 29th April 2011 will be an extra bank holiday.  Of course I will be celebrating the Royal Wedding of the century with neighbours and friends alike and like them I will be pretending there is a loose connection to the Royals and I was especially surprised to find I was not invited directly to the wedding.
Mostly, I’m overjoyed that my husband will be at home helping with the kids.


After an exhausting night I managed to get some sleep whilst my youngest was at nursery.  Whilst dropping him off one of the mum’s got very excited and screamed at me in the corridor that a premier striker was in the class with his son.  I don’t do football but I do do celebrity so pretending to act casual I passed him on the way into the nursery class and when he said “hello” I grunted back as if to say “you’re status doesn’t impress me”.  It does!

Sunday 21st November

Did I say my son’s birthday is over.  I was wrong.  I had forgotten until being reminded by my son that I had arranged a bowling afternoon with a couple of his friends.  Conveniently my husband had double booked to go into London with my father to do lots of fun things.  So begging my babysitter to come, I ventured off to the bowling alley.  Bowling alley?  I think you mean war zone with the children as the enemy and the allies a group of tired, stressed out parents using money as weapons and sugar as a peace treaty.
When the bowling was over and my babysitter who had been running after my youngest for two hours it was time to head home.
We both cried in the car from exhaustion and the sad causalities of war we saw in the bowling complex.

Saturday 20th November

Dinner with friends and a lot of arguing over the X Factor contestants whilst drinking copious amounts of wine.  It seems I am the only sane one who is rooting for Wagner, everyone else keeps telling me he is rubbish and a mockery to the show.  I think you’ll find it’s that northern lass, Cheryl.

Friday 19th November

After a night of wrapping presents and sorting out clues to my son’s treasure hunt we were woken at 6am to squeals of delight.  “Please sing me happy birthday” at which point my husband and I sounded like we were singing the death march, but he was happy as long as we clapped six times to indicate his age. 
After doing the treasure hunt and receiving presents fit for only the upper classes he complained the hunt was only inside (its cold and wet out) and there were only three.  I have a policy to try to not shout at kids on their birthdays but this was a push.  I remained tight lipped.
Dinner with the family included pancakes, icecream and really poor service from a waitress who has “only been there a week” and I wondered if this included the country as her English was at best poor!
Thank goodness his birthday is over.

Monday 15th November

I have just spent most of the morning preparing my son’s birthday presents including doing Treasure Hunt clues on Powerpoint.  My son had reminded me yesterday that he could have a chocolate fountain for his birthday.  I had said this to him six months ago, how does he remember these things.  Both husband and I told him that they are too expensive but we’ll make melted chocolate for him – we won’t.  I know he’ll remember this as well and on Friday the chocolate will surely hit the fan!

Sunday 14th November

It is not often in life I have absolute hatred of people.  But then it’s not often I have to sit with a nasty, spiteful, jealous and bitter woman.  Unfortunately that woman also happens to be my sister-in-law (by marriage as she keeps reminding me).  I have a lot of affection for my brother-in-law.  He is kind, big hearted and perhaps a little arrogant.  Unfortunately he is married to the she-devil who doesn’t like my husband’s family one bit and finds my family “noisy and loud”.  She told me she prefers to sit quietly with her husband and six month old during meal times.  Funnily enough my two year old and six year old have other ideas.  My youngest likes to smear food over his face whilst burping.  My oldest likes to watch F1 racing cars, especially as it was the last race.  The lunch was the most awkward, uncomfortable and depressing meal time I have ever had.  What a dampener to the otherwise fun weekend.

Saturday 13th November

After the usual swimming lesson for youngest, maths tutoring for the oldest, I went with my youngest to his first birthday party for a friend.  She is a mere 1 year old and my youngest decided to pull me to the front door the entire party saying “Dada dada dada” which meant “I don’t want to be here.  I want to be at home climbing on dad’s back”.  I enjoyed the party though.

Friday 12th November

I got very excited today as one of the “cool” mummies was going out with me in the evening with my husband.  Her husband is a Finance Director of a large Music company and I was convinced she would cancel me as he was arriving back from New York at 5pm that day.  Poor man was going to get dragged out with a couple he hardly knew for a meal.   As it turned out the fantastic Italian meal was made only better by the fact that the cool mummy is on “Team Melanie” and gushes about me in the playground.  How cool am I!

Tuesday 5th October 2010

Two bits of bad news today, The Coalition are taking away my childcare salary as of 2013 and my eldest son has decided to have a temperature and a belly ache.  So not only has my daily job spec been adjusted to include nursing duties but very soon I will be working on a purely voluntary basis.
After dropping my youngest to nursery and negotiating the dangerous car park full of mums making very important phone calls whilst driving their 4x4s I decided to drag my oldest to the local new and improved supermarket.  Improved? Worse if you ask me.  They now have a phone shop which allows morons with a low IQ to sell mobile phones to people by pointing, grunting and giving out leaflets.  And whilst buying my little soldier a slice of watermelon I was told that it is a new product, not on the system so I can’t buy it.  My “taking no nonsense” self soon put paid to that.  

Monday 4th October 2010

Today, the resident WAG in the playground told me she has finally moved house and how stressful it was.  I am quite annoyed with her as her initial gossip allowed me to boast to all my friends that the local celebrity couple were being thrown out of their rented accommodation to make way for the X Factor finalists.  This would of course been said in an almost tiresome way as though it was a bother.  As if!  Annoyingly the z-list celebs’ to be are now moving a little further away so I will not be able to secretly stalk them and tell all my friends about it.