Sunday, 30 January 2011

Sporting triumphs to climatic endings

Sunday 23rd January
My husband is beaming today.  After coercing my oldest son into playing rugby, one of the rugby coaches, also a famous ex-England rugby player, tells my husband our son is a natural and very good.  If he could, my husband would be wearing a sandwich board citing this wondrous event.
One of the mums helping to organise our renovation of our current run down community playground asked a few of us round to look at the presentation boards.  Feeling like a third wheel and getting bored I started to gossip about the other mums in the school playground.  This went down like a lead balloon so I kept my mouth shut and started sticking pictures of equipment onto white boards as though my life depended on it.  Hopefully my skill with a glue stick outweighed my bitching.
Monday 24th January
In keeping with the sports theme my oldest son had tennis today after school.  I am starting to think I might be a pushy mum.
Being pushy and manipulative seems to be an inherited trait as my youngest, a two year old, managed to negotiate cake out of the nursery staff before he started his lunch.  The amazing part of this story is that there was no cake present, he had remembered it from last week when on every other day there is no cake.  Intelligent and manipulative.  That’s my son!
Wednesday 26th January
Wednesday is never the easiest of days.  To me it is almost like a tease.  The promise that it is now nearly half the week over yet still so early and with lots to do.
This Wednesday proved to be the toughest of them all.  A comedy of errors and a tragedy of circumstances.
1.   When dropping my youngest off at nursery I nearly managed to run over another mother and child who decided to walk behind my car as I was reversing.  Apparently this was my fault and the mother taught her daughter some new words in the English dictionary.
2.   I was dreading today as I was going to sack my cleaner due to being always late for work or not showing up at all, claiming to have spent more than the allotted time to get more money and leaving cobwebs in full view whilst demanding the extra money.  In true fashion, an hour into not turning up I got a cheery text to say she couldn’t make today as something had come up (another cleaning job) and could her best friend (who I have never met) clean the house instead tomorrow.  My reply was curt but civil – “drop the keys off to the house immediately”.  Her reply was just as short – “fuck you”.
3.   Time being short and food needing to be acquired whilst my youngest was at nursery I was hoping to drive to my favourite supermarket.  The diesel lorry on the M25 had other ideas and wanted to cause an accident meaning an emergency resurface job needed to be done closing this part of the M25.  Going to the local dodgy supermarket where you have to insert a £1 to get a trolley their lift wasn’t working so I went back to my car, forced my £1 out of the trolley and went to the local butchers.
4.   On my way to the butchers I was fortunate enough to be behind the oldest known woman driver in history who didn’t like turning right at lights and left me stuck in the middle of the road behind her.  I hooted her to remind her of this and by sheer luck ended up at the same butchers as her.  She has now told me she is a wonderful driver, I threatened her with my dangerous driving and she has taken my registration number and will be reporting me to the police.  This was the third time today I had a cry.  Not bad for 11am.
5.   To end on a high, the rest of my day did not result in any more crying, police threats or being sworn at.  A good end to my humpback Wednesday.

Thursday 27th January
My youngest son and I went to Gambados this morning.  This is a wonderful place for children and a chance for me to meet lots of snobby mothers dying to drink their cup-of-chinos in peace whilst their darling “Anastasia” smacks the living daylights out of another innocent child.

At lunchtime the letterbox made a sound indicating my evil cleaner dropped off the keys.  Hopefully my next cleaner will be a little more reliable. 

Friday 28th January
I am so glad it is Friday, but not half as glad am my friend who has twin boys of 10 months, a lazy fiancĂ© who does nothing and a dog who needs constant attention.  She is frazzled, tired and in need of a lot of help and love.  If only her fiancĂ© knew!

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Technical sexy sirens and faulty fruit !

Monday 17th January
I am immensely proud of my technical prowess today as I have successfully managed to download a nasty virus on my computer wiping out practically all my important information whilst also deleting all access to the internet. 
Talk about multi-tasking.  I should be taking notes from this virus.  Not only did it put my task abilities to shame but it also managed to put a strain on our marriage by creating a huge row between myself and Mr Kingston.  It is the virus equivalent of Angelina Jolie.  Its name – “AntiVirus8” just incase you ever come across this sexy, multi-tasking siren!
Tuesday 18th January
In keeping with my technical hellish week, my very expensive and smart looking hands free kit has decided to give up the ghost.  It won’t turn on, won’t charge when plugged in and doesn’t look sexy anymore.  Do you think it got wind of my computer affair with the sexy virus and has decided it is not worthy of my attention?
Wednesday 19th January
I’m nothing if not consistent.  They say three time’s the charm and in this case the third item on my technical list is my smart phone named after a small fruit.
Whilst getting my weekly aerobic exercise in a disease infested indoor play, the phone froze and died.
After preparing its last rites otherwise known as swearing at it and throwing it against a wall I went to the local mobile phone hospital AKA my mobile phone provider.  They were extremely helpful.
I was kept waiting for over 20 minutes by the staff whilst they joked about the latest “app” which distorts your voice.  During this time my two year old got bored, tore down a couple of posters and rearranged the accessories from the wall to the floor creating an art piece Tracy Emin would have been proud of.
This seemed to get the employee’s attention and after a few minutes of staring at me like I was the evil enemy of Supernanny she patronised me for a further ten minutes before telling me I hadn’t brought ID and there was nothing they could do.
I was ecstatic and hugged her gratefully for showing such compassion and grace to a bedraggled mother.
I then left the shop crying.
On the plus side I’ve found an electrician.
Thursday 20th January
It is my father’s birthday today and due to my busy technical week I had forgotten to get him a card but thanks to the invention of young children I managed to get away with this by forcing my six year old to sing happy birthday over the phone whilst my two year old said “gran-da” a lot in the background.
This worked a charm.  Plus my mother bought him a present on my behalf which he loved.  So it was a win-win situation for everyone.
Friday 21st January
When you become a mother your memory is not as good as it was during your heady days of alcohol, drugs and head banging.
I had completely forgotten the mobile phone shop debacle and took my youngest food shopping with me at the local supermarket.
He had the face of an angel throughout the process even when he managed to pull down Lloyd Grossman curry sauce jars from the shelf breaking them onto the floor, my expensive boots and jeans.  He was also angelic whilst I plied him with the contents of my shopping trolley to keep him placated.
I’m going alone next time!
Saturday 22nd January
Post Offices! I hate them, nearly as much as the people who serve in them and the customers who queue for them.
Today was no exception when the man in front of me pretended to care that the queue was unusually large and my parking ticket was nearly up.
He could see I had only one parcel to send freepost and sympathised with my plight of the worry of getting a parking ticket.
He then proceeded to carry on with his four unpaid for, bulky and un-weighted parcels delaying me just long enough to have to flirt outrageously with a traffic warden.
Luckily the traffic warden was a nearly blind monstrosity and was glad for the sexual attention.

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Saturday 15th January

I really believe some people are put on this earth just to annoy me.  I would even go so far to say that I don’t think they actually exist but just pop up when I am around to wind me up.
Today was such an occasion.  I was having my nails done in a salon I frequent every three weeks.  Beside me was another client who was enjoying names dropping at every turn.  “I bumped into so-and-so the other day”, “I had a lovely chat with such-and-such” and “they were wonderful people, so lovely.  I can’t think why the paper is so scathing” etc etc.
This in itself was irritating but then Heston Blumenthal came up in conversation.  I remarked that I loved his excitement about food and she said she “can’t stand the man”.  She went onto to say that her daughter frequented The Fat Duck but found it all very tedious and that the restaurant should just serve normal food and get over itself.  Why on earth would you go to a restaurant famed for its difference and complain about it, especially with a huge price tag.  Well she couldn’t answer that one.
Later she buggered off and another client came in with the same passion for food as me and despite realising she is a woman of the world there was no names dropping, no airs and graces just a charming woman who gave me some names of lovely restaurants to go to.

Friday 14th January

After dropping my eldest son off to school despite his protests of having a phantom stomach ache, I went to my weekly toddler music group.  The great thing about having a child is that you get promoted to the next class regardless of ability as these groups are determined by age rather than skill.

Thursday 13th January

Well, this has been an eventful day.
My first port of call was Next to buy my son some boots for those cold but not wet days.  I had made the hideous mistake of telling my two year old we were getting shoes so when we arrived he refused to put the boots on and would only try on pink trainers and lovely lacy ballet slippers whilst running around the shop shouting “shoooooooooes”.
Next on the agenda was our weekly trip to the farm and indoor play.  I am not sure if tiredness had taken hold but after walking around looking at the small animals pushing my pram I realised it was actually someone else’s pram with handbag included.  What surprised me is that in that ten minutes no one had claimed the pram as their own.
After picking my eldest son up from school it was time to take him swimming, an event I detest as I have to crawl through the inadequate indoor play meant for three-year-olds not thirty-something women with large boobs.  To make the occasion more annoying I bumped into the lady who had been particularly rude to me the week before.  So in true mature fashion when she looked in my direction I gave her a filthy look.  I didn’t stick out my tongue but I may as well have.
Oh, and I can’t find a decent electrician as my usual one has decided to make his numbers unavailable, is he telling me something?

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Wednesday 12th January

I am not a fan of Wednesdays.  On the plus side I have the morning free to get on with important “to-do’s”, on the negative side it is the day my cleaner comes round to move dust from one place to another.
The reason I regard this as a negative is that my cleaner and I do not have a great relationship.  In fact she scares the shit out of me.  Hence the reason she still moves dust from one place to another and I have not replaced her.  To make it worse she also hides things like TV remotes and important documents I haven’t filed yet.  If I ask her where they are she has a go at me for questioning her abilities.
At least I can hide in my room or make my excuses and go out into the rain and cold, a warmer welcome than my own home.

Tuesday 11th January

A lot of excitement was had in the house today due to the date being 11-1-11.  We are all very excited for 11th November.
The excitement was dulled a little by the fact my husband decided to change the way we deal with our two-year old in the middle of the night resulting in an angry toddler at 4am for over two hours. 
Of course, apparently this upheaval was somehow my fault.  Not a welcome comment at 6am whilst I am trying to scrape the sleep out of my eyes.

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Sunday 9th January

Today was the day two major events were occurring in my diary.  The in-laws were finally leaving my house and it was my niece’s Christening.
I have to admit I have been dreading the Christening.  Meeting my sister-in-law’s family for the first time, who I had heard were awful and having to smile whilst trying to entertain my bored children after only five hours sleep.
As it turns out the family were only a little bit vile.  The father is harmless leaving only the mother to hold the trophy for dragon of the year.
As for the children, my youngest was as naughty as expected with little sleep to keep him happy but my husband was on hand leaving me to eat the badly made sandwiches and chewy crisps.
Not the worst ever day in the history of motherhood.

Saturday 8th January

After a ten year hiatus, it was time to go to a tacky wine bar “slash” nightclub in the heart of London for a friend’s birthday.  In the past as a young twenty-something going “clubbing” was a regular twice weekly event.  Then I met my husband whose idea of a raucous night out was a comedy at the cinema.
Dragging my husband into the club and feeling like an old lady on the town I managed to strut my stuff for over three hours.  During this time my husband stood at the sidelines feeling uncomfortable and trying desperately hard not to look at the pole dancers whilst I was chatted to by at least four young males including one who said I reminded him of his teacher.  Was that a compliment?
After I felt I had significantly burnt enough calories to make up for Christmas and New Year we dragged ourselves home on by public transport.

Friday 7th January

Today is my youngest’s second birthday.  I am not sure he is aware that it is his birthday but he is very happy with all the extra attention and is relishing being allowed to get away with almost anything whilst all the grown ups pretend to smile.
This morning I went to a large indoor play or germ infested plastic room where I managed to exercise my gluts, hamstrings and abdominal muscles.  It amazes me that aerobics classes are not held in these large play zones as they are great for the figure.
After a short nap, my son not me, the afternoon involved pandering to his every whim knowing full well that this was only setting me up for a fall but secretly pleased that as this was a Friday the fall would be harder on my husband than me.
In the evening I took my children and a friend of my youngest to a grotty restaurant where they enjoyed the average food and ran riot including gambling on the fruit machines and trying to understand the rudimentary science behind fire.  It turns out it’s hot.
My youngest had a wonderful day.

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

Wednesday 5th January

Today was the first day of normality again.  My oldest son went back to school and my youngest had a morning at nursery.
This gave me a three hour break to chauffeur my in-laws around the shops buying important essentials like multi-vitamins and underwear.
My husband came back from work with a spring in his step and asked if he can go out for a beer after work tomorrow.  Bastard!

Tuesday 4th January

My husband has survived the festive period and is now able to skive off parenting duties by going back to his office job.  He keeps saying that this is “real work” but I can see by the 5 new grey hairs acquired in the last two weeks this is obviously untrue.
My mother-in-law is still ill and now can’t even be bothered to pretend to help and just reads lots of old woman’s magazines that talk about the menopause and the up and coming royal wedding.

Monday 3rd January

My mother-in-law is shocked to find that she is still ill and thinks it may be the fact “it’s going round”. I reiterated it might have something to do with the large hike she decided to go on yesterday which resulted in an argument including words like “stubborn”, “teaching old dogs new tricks” and “won’t change”.
Only 5 days until I have the house to myself again.

Sunday 2nd January

Husband and I took our sons to see Pepper Pig in London today.  It isn’t enough that we are subjected to two dimensional characters on TV, now we were given a full puppet show including the Bing Bong song and Daddy Pig showing his true inadequacies.
In the meantime my mother-in-law was on strict instructions to rest for the day to recover from her bad cold.  This did not include a four mile walk in zero degree weather.  She must have misunderstood the word rest for exercise.

Sunday, 2 January 2011

Saturday 1st January 2011

Today started at 1am as we arrived home to find my mother-in-law still awake and the sounds of a 2 year old screaming “Mama”.  Apparently this had been going on for just under an hour thanks to the next door neighbours making the London Eye look cheap and giving my family a 45 minute pyrotechnic display with loud noises included.
We all managed 3 hours sleep before daylight.

Friday 31st December

New Year’s Eve and the usual foreboding set in early.  It is lovely that I am married and have children to fall back on.  My early teenage years of feeling a failure if I didn’t snog at least one person by the time Big Ben stopped chiming 12 times is still a sore memory.  I used to get so desperate that even  failed nerd with halitosis was acceptable, especially as that was a mirror image of myself.
But thankfully that is all in the past as I have a guaranteed pull at the end of the night and a free ride, both in the sympathetic form of my husband.  This is the only time I lunge myself at him in a drunken stupor before passing out in his lap.
This year we were invited to our friend’s house to drink expensive champagne, eat homemade curry and play with the new Xbox 360 that actually mirrors your body movements.  I felt like I was in Minority Report with Tom Cruise without the pressure to convert to Scientology.
And to finish off this relaxed evening we watched the fireworks from the warmth and comfort of a large sofa before flagging and driving home.
Don’t worry, my husband got his drunken snog and I even managed to pass out in the car on the way home.  It was like old times again.