Today started as any normal weekday should, the first few hours running around attempting to shower, get dressed and look seemingly human whilst simultaneously ensuring my two sons were doing their usual routine inorder to get them to school and pre-school.
The morning continued in the same vein, doing a drive by at the primary school followed by waiting in the Pre-School corridor for the 9.15am door to open at its usual time of 9.21am.
After the most boring morning at work being designated the shittiest jobs around and picking my son up at 1pm we went to his swimming class.
Today was a special day as son no2 had his new goggles which allowed him to try to drown himself at least 3 times which he found very exciting. The lifeguard or myself not so much, but beggars can't be choosers!
Today was particularly important as my useless in-laws were going to "help" me in the afternoon and evening - an arrangement that had been made around the same time as the Magna Carta - as I needed to help a friend during my youngest bed time.
But no, with five minutes to go I got a phone call from the in-laws to say that the electrician had come unexpectedly and had popped out for "two minutes" about an hour ago and had left all his "gear" in the flat.
To stall things I decided to let my youngest go in the indoor play. After five minutes Son No2 came out with a very funny smell and "stuff" on his trousers. "Mummy, I've crawled through someone's sick". Had he been sick, no his face was clean but his trousers - dear god! Have you ever had to use bog roll to clean someone else's vomit off your trousers - it isn't easy. At least the mums in the indoor play were sympathetic and looked at Son No2 like the devil and proceeded to tell me that their little darlings hadn't thrown up. I prayed silently that the boy in the ball pool currently chucking his guts up would come out covered in his own disgusting vomit and smear it on said mother!!
Having to then go straight to the useless in-law's flat, we waited for the electrician who had gone AWOL.
The dopey electrician finally came back fixed the problem ... at least we think he did, we won't apparently know until midnight "when the light will come on". My mother-in-law was ecstatic.
Back at home I had to prepare Son No2 for bed and make supper which would cook whilst I rushed out for half an hour to help my friend and pick up Son No1.
On strict instructions to turn off the hob when the buzzer went but keep on the oven, I came home to the hob burning the vegetables whilst the chicken was un-cooking itself in the cold oven which had been turned off.
Sheesh - what a day. Serves me right for needing the in-laws help - next time I'll use a complete stranger!
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
Pre-School Birthday Parties - YUK
Saturday I was forced to go to yet another pre-school party which included the usual key ingredients:
Also there seems to be a trend at the moment not to provide decent nourishment to children such as vegetables or juice. Now it is the thing to give them jam sandwiches, crisps and chocolate as a staple lunch whilst making sure the parents get nothing except for a breadstick and water (sparkling of course). I wouldn't mind but the party was from 12 to 2pm so over the lunch period.
Don't get me wrong (I know I sound so up myself), at my son's party they had pizza but at least there was carrot, tomatoes and cucumber for them to ignore at leisure.
I have decided to go to the next party in a cocktail dress and demand champagne, it may start a trend!
- Mums dolled up to the nines trying to outdo eachother in their war paint and heels department
- An entertainer who seemed to believe 4 year olds are very deaf so needed her mic up to 450 decibels inorder to either make their ears bleed or other kids cry
- A lot of 4 year old children running around on sugar, loud entertainment and S Club Seven (the last of which I am happy to dance to)
Also there seems to be a trend at the moment not to provide decent nourishment to children such as vegetables or juice. Now it is the thing to give them jam sandwiches, crisps and chocolate as a staple lunch whilst making sure the parents get nothing except for a breadstick and water (sparkling of course). I wouldn't mind but the party was from 12 to 2pm so over the lunch period.
Don't get me wrong (I know I sound so up myself), at my son's party they had pizza but at least there was carrot, tomatoes and cucumber for them to ignore at leisure.
I have decided to go to the next party in a cocktail dress and demand champagne, it may start a trend!
Wednesday 13th Feb - Class Reps AKA Bored Mums AKA Control Freaks
Why would any mum be a class rep?
The job isn't paid, involves trying to pass on valuable information, arrange social events, drum up support for the bloody cake sale and listen to other mums bitching about how they would have done a better job but not actually do it!
I steer clear of my class reps as one is a dodgy geezer bird with an even dodgier geezer "been nicked a few times" husband and the other is a frightening school mum who garners fear wherever she treads - she is also the Pre-School class rep so is obviously a bored housewife and control freak.
This week we have a class rep meeting with the Headmistress and me as Parent Gov'nor.
The headteacher had asked me to write a formal class rep "job spec" as all hell was breaking lose in the school so I thought this would bring harmony. So instead of an anarchistic approach, which has been the norm until now, I opted for a structure of Social class rep and organisation class rep.
I might as well have put on paper that I wanted all class reps dead and their children eaten by a monster.
"We like it as it is" Translation: We like anarchy and doing what the hell we want
"This is too formal" Translation: Because structuring an important role will mean I actually have to do some proper thinking
"Why arrange social things for the class" Translation: I have my clicky group in my class of nasty bitches and we like excluding people.
On the whole it went down quite well considering.
The job isn't paid, involves trying to pass on valuable information, arrange social events, drum up support for the bloody cake sale and listen to other mums bitching about how they would have done a better job but not actually do it!
I steer clear of my class reps as one is a dodgy geezer bird with an even dodgier geezer "been nicked a few times" husband and the other is a frightening school mum who garners fear wherever she treads - she is also the Pre-School class rep so is obviously a bored housewife and control freak.
This week we have a class rep meeting with the Headmistress and me as Parent Gov'nor.
The headteacher had asked me to write a formal class rep "job spec" as all hell was breaking lose in the school so I thought this would bring harmony. So instead of an anarchistic approach, which has been the norm until now, I opted for a structure of Social class rep and organisation class rep.
I might as well have put on paper that I wanted all class reps dead and their children eaten by a monster.
"We like it as it is" Translation: We like anarchy and doing what the hell we want
"This is too formal" Translation: Because structuring an important role will mean I actually have to do some proper thinking
"Why arrange social things for the class" Translation: I have my clicky group in my class of nasty bitches and we like excluding people.
On the whole it went down quite well considering.
Monday 11th February - I am the Guv'nor Which Apparantly Requires Diplomacy
After a typical Monday, stressful morning getting the kids ready for school, working in the morning, stressing out in the afternoon with my 4 year old after pre-school pick up, it was time for school pick up.
But this year my normal pick up is considerably different to the past three years due to nominating myself as a Parent Governor and actually being voted in to do it.
Now this is not a compliment or testament to my fabulous diplomacy (I don't have any), my desire about politics and current affairs (which I do have) or being really liked by the parents at the school (they don't), it's purely because no other mug would do the bloody job!!
On this typical cold Monday 2 parents from Year 5 approached me with a problem and this was it ...
They have tried very hard to arrange a meeting as their daughters are going to a mosque as part of their RE education and they are very very unhappy that their daughters have to cover their heads and are will not allow this to happen.
Now before you gape in astonishment (which i managed not to do but furrowed my brow and looked un-flabbergasted)
They pointed out to me:
I remained very diplomatic, didn't state the bloody obvious and just suggested they note down their issues, arrange a meeting and minute it all to ensure it is all addressed.
I didn't shout "My GOD, you cannot honestly believe what you are saying! I hope you are not poisoning your children with your "non-racist" views!!"
Maybe I am diplomatic afterall.
And for the record, when my son visits the Mosque he will do as is required of him. When in Rome, do as the Romans do whether you like it or not!
But this year my normal pick up is considerably different to the past three years due to nominating myself as a Parent Governor and actually being voted in to do it.
Now this is not a compliment or testament to my fabulous diplomacy (I don't have any), my desire about politics and current affairs (which I do have) or being really liked by the parents at the school (they don't), it's purely because no other mug would do the bloody job!!
On this typical cold Monday 2 parents from Year 5 approached me with a problem and this was it ...
They have tried very hard to arrange a meeting as their daughters are going to a mosque as part of their RE education and they are very very unhappy that their daughters have to cover their heads and are will not allow this to happen.
Now before you gape in astonishment (which i managed not to do but furrowed my brow and looked un-flabbergasted)
They pointed out to me:
- they are not racist and are "fine" with their children going to a Mosque (they are racist and they are not fine)
- they fully embrace all religions and have the utmost respect for all races/religions/colour etc etc (they don't)
- they are happy for their daughters to go to a mosque on the condition they do not have to cover their heads (they are not happy about it and do not respect other cultures)
I remained very diplomatic, didn't state the bloody obvious and just suggested they note down their issues, arrange a meeting and minute it all to ensure it is all addressed.
I didn't shout "My GOD, you cannot honestly believe what you are saying! I hope you are not poisoning your children with your "non-racist" views!!"
Maybe I am diplomatic afterall.
And for the record, when my son visits the Mosque he will do as is required of him. When in Rome, do as the Romans do whether you like it or not!
Monday, 28 January 2013
Getting to the NITty Gritty !!
I have been absent for a while haven't I!
I apologise. I was going to write a short piece on why I have been off for a year and what I have been up to but as I am "itching" to discuss nits here is my year in summary:
However onto more grave matters ... not the nits per say, but the bloody mums who act like they are the plague and if they get wind of it in the school all hell breaks lose.
At 6pm today I got a text which stated - "Hi ladies, its xxx here. not a very nice subject, please could you check your children's hair. I have found some nits in xxx hair. I have cleaned it with nitty gritty comb and put some treatment on her. I have checked for 2 days in a row, she doesn't have it now. I don't know who she picked it up from, someone in the class is spreading it. I've changed all bed sheets and covers, washed all her clothes. I am just hoping we can stop this from spreading and I am going to ask the headteacher to put it in the news letter as well. X"
This is the text verbatim. For goodness sakes, it would be easier to change the nits word to syphilis or the plague.
Before you all accuse me of being facile about this, I am not and get quite irritated when I am having to comb my sons and I for the umpteenth time to get rid of the little blighters, however I see this as part and parcel of school life. It is quite yukky but it is also something that happens that you deal with as and when it arises as well as keeping their hair short and doing regular treatments "just in case" I do not like my sons getting it and have every lotion and potion under the sun, but until they start work after university I accept that this goes with the territory.
So let's now break down this text into what it is really saying:
"Hi ladies, its xxx here. not a very nice subject, please could you check your children's hair. I have found some nits in xxx hair." - HELLO MUMS, I AM GOING TO MENTION SOMETHING VERY GRAVE WHICH COULD ACTUALLY BE SERIOUS LIKE BULLYING OR SOMETHING ELSE VERY IMPORTANT SO LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY. YOUR CHILDREN ARE POTENTIALLY SCABBY AND HAVE HAD THE AUDACITY TO PUT NITS - YES THAT'S RIGHT, NITS - INTO MY LITTLE ANGEL'S BEAUTIFUL AND NORMALLY PERFECT HAIR
"I have cleaned it with nitty gritty comb and put some treatment on her. I have checked for 2 days in a row, she doesn't have it now. " - I HAVE BEEN ENDORSED BY A COMPANY NITTY GRITTY AND HAVE CLEANED MY CHILD AS ANY PERFECT PARENT SHOULD. AFTER DIPPING HER IN SULFURIC ACID AND ALLOWING HER INTO THIS DISEASE RIDDEN SCHOOL I HAVE MANAGED TO STAVE OFF THE DISEASES YOUR CHILDREN HAVE AND I WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY
" I don't know who she picked it up from, someone in the class is spreading it" - I BET IT WAS YOU, IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND IF IT WASN'T YOU THEN SOME OTHER DISGUSTING CHILD IN MY CLASS IS AND THEY NEED TO BE DEALT WITH HARSHLY
"I've changed all bed sheets and covers, washed all her clothes." - I HAVE LOTS OF TIME ON MY HANDS AND HAVE SPENT IT DISINFECTING THE ENTIRE HOUSE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT PERFECT MOTHERS DO. ALTHOUGH SHOULD I ALSO BURN THE CONTENTS OF THE HOUSE AS WELL ??
"I am just hoping we can stop this from spreading and I am going to ask the headteacher to put it in the news letter as well. X" - SO DISINFECT YOUR CHILD IN A SPECIAL CHEMICAL DIP AND IF YOU DON'T YOU ARE VERY VERY BAD AND DISEASE RIDDEN. DEAR GOD, WE NEED TO STOP THIS TERRIBLE DISEASE. I HAVE ALSO TOLD ON YOU TO THE HEADMISTRESS WHO WILL SHAME THE CLASS/SCHOOL INTO FEELING UNCLEAN. kiss kiss.
So there you have it, my take on nits. Or perhaps I am being a little relaxed in my approach - what do you think??
I apologise. I was going to write a short piece on why I have been off for a year and what I have been up to but as I am "itching" to discuss nits here is my year in summary:
- i got a part time job which takes up all my time outside of the kids
- the kids take up all my time outside of my part time job
- the olympics were great fun
- we enjoyed the Queen's jubilee
However onto more grave matters ... not the nits per say, but the bloody mums who act like they are the plague and if they get wind of it in the school all hell breaks lose.
At 6pm today I got a text which stated - "Hi ladies, its xxx here. not a very nice subject, please could you check your children's hair. I have found some nits in xxx hair. I have cleaned it with nitty gritty comb and put some treatment on her. I have checked for 2 days in a row, she doesn't have it now. I don't know who she picked it up from, someone in the class is spreading it. I've changed all bed sheets and covers, washed all her clothes. I am just hoping we can stop this from spreading and I am going to ask the headteacher to put it in the news letter as well. X"
This is the text verbatim. For goodness sakes, it would be easier to change the nits word to syphilis or the plague.
Before you all accuse me of being facile about this, I am not and get quite irritated when I am having to comb my sons and I for the umpteenth time to get rid of the little blighters, however I see this as part and parcel of school life. It is quite yukky but it is also something that happens that you deal with as and when it arises as well as keeping their hair short and doing regular treatments "just in case" I do not like my sons getting it and have every lotion and potion under the sun, but until they start work after university I accept that this goes with the territory.
So let's now break down this text into what it is really saying:
"Hi ladies, its xxx here. not a very nice subject, please could you check your children's hair. I have found some nits in xxx hair." - HELLO MUMS, I AM GOING TO MENTION SOMETHING VERY GRAVE WHICH COULD ACTUALLY BE SERIOUS LIKE BULLYING OR SOMETHING ELSE VERY IMPORTANT SO LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY. YOUR CHILDREN ARE POTENTIALLY SCABBY AND HAVE HAD THE AUDACITY TO PUT NITS - YES THAT'S RIGHT, NITS - INTO MY LITTLE ANGEL'S BEAUTIFUL AND NORMALLY PERFECT HAIR
"I have cleaned it with nitty gritty comb and put some treatment on her. I have checked for 2 days in a row, she doesn't have it now. " - I HAVE BEEN ENDORSED BY A COMPANY NITTY GRITTY AND HAVE CLEANED MY CHILD AS ANY PERFECT PARENT SHOULD. AFTER DIPPING HER IN SULFURIC ACID AND ALLOWING HER INTO THIS DISEASE RIDDEN SCHOOL I HAVE MANAGED TO STAVE OFF THE DISEASES YOUR CHILDREN HAVE AND I WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY
" I don't know who she picked it up from, someone in the class is spreading it" - I BET IT WAS YOU, IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND IF IT WASN'T YOU THEN SOME OTHER DISGUSTING CHILD IN MY CLASS IS AND THEY NEED TO BE DEALT WITH HARSHLY
"I've changed all bed sheets and covers, washed all her clothes." - I HAVE LOTS OF TIME ON MY HANDS AND HAVE SPENT IT DISINFECTING THE ENTIRE HOUSE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT PERFECT MOTHERS DO. ALTHOUGH SHOULD I ALSO BURN THE CONTENTS OF THE HOUSE AS WELL ??
"I am just hoping we can stop this from spreading and I am going to ask the headteacher to put it in the news letter as well. X" - SO DISINFECT YOUR CHILD IN A SPECIAL CHEMICAL DIP AND IF YOU DON'T YOU ARE VERY VERY BAD AND DISEASE RIDDEN. DEAR GOD, WE NEED TO STOP THIS TERRIBLE DISEASE. I HAVE ALSO TOLD ON YOU TO THE HEADMISTRESS WHO WILL SHAME THE CLASS/SCHOOL INTO FEELING UNCLEAN. kiss kiss.
So there you have it, my take on nits. Or perhaps I am being a little relaxed in my approach - what do you think??
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