Tuesday 1st March
My eldest is in Year 1 at school and already I have noticed there is exclusion, segregation and isolation and I wish this was from the children. This I can excuse. This I can fix.
Today I came home crying from the school playground. No one was nasty to me, but no one came to talk to me either. At one point my youngest who is obsessed with babies went over to another Year 1 mum to look into her pram and I overheard her talking to another mum about rearranging the girly night as no one could make it. Had my emails been mislaid? Had my phone not worked properly? No, this is the second clicky group who has arranged a mum’s evening without me.
Don’t get me wrong, some of the mums really like me and I have even had a night out with a couple once or twice. But as my husband always says I am marmite. I am outspoken, honest and share my feelings with others. I am NOT nasty, bitchy, rude or hateful behind people’s backs. I make the mistake of showing my true self. I do not put up fronts, smile inanely and make small talk about makeup, the weather or show business.
And for this I am persecuted. I have learnt over the years that shallowness makes for good acquaintances. Do I sacrifice myself to be liked or do I carry on being who I am, risking no invitation to an inane evening of coffee and bitching. I know the answer is to stay true to myself. But just once I would like to be liked for who I am, not who people want me to be.
great post, great to read such honesty. I don't have school age children, but often playgroups are similar. In their defensive I think often relationships based on brief meetings at school gates and the occassional night out can be rife with insecurities. The chat is about the children, people struggle to find middle ground and share their own personalities and this can make individual form cliches where they feel a bit safer. They feel judged on their child's behaviour or their appearance first thing in the morning.
ReplyDeleteIn your defence I say B*LL**KS to them, don't let them grind you down. Check out who you like, who you would like to connect with and organise your own night out and be yourself.
Fabulous post! True and honest and I am so please you published it. I can relate to this so much. People either take to me like a duck to water or they find my openess to much to bear. Now i don't always practice what I preach, but five true friends are better than a collection of many fairweather 'friends.' If they are the kind of people you should be surrounding yourself with then they will like you for who you are, and if they don't do you need that negativity in your life? I just came back from picking my son up from pre-school, (he has been going 3 weeks) and no one spoke to me in the playground. Maybe I have a stay clear face! xx
ReplyDeleteGreat post and I can definitely relate. I feel that I have to launch myself into conversations with others rather than people coming to me. I'm my own worst enemy though as I'm slightly on the defensive in these situations which may come across as unapproachable.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I should have written that post as you have described me to a 't'! I always tell it like it is and say to myself 'if people can't accept me for who I am then I don't want to know them' but it does hurt to hear that events are happening and others have chosen not to invite you. I'm never bitchy, I always stick up for the underdog and more often than not they run off with the pack!!
ReplyDeleteI can't 'kiss ass' it's just not in my nature but I really do sympathise with you. Be true to yourself xx
Count me as a lifelong member of the marmite club. It's funny how so many of us are drawn to online communities, perhaps we find it easier to be ourselves over the internet than in person? And by that I don't mean that we aren't ourselves in the playground or at work, but that because we have this insecurity and this view that 8 out of 10 people probably won't like us we do put up barriers that others subconsciously pick up on. Online I think most of us manage to avoid this.
ReplyDeleteI love Mummy Matters comment about sticking up for underdogs who then join the pack. This made me laugh as it rang so true.
Great post. So glad you went ahead with it. Look how many people it's resonating with! xx
My goodness, "I am not alone" I shout in glee ... and yes, the underdog who is nurtured by us does run to a clicky pack ... happened to me not so long ago when a new child joined and I was the first to say hello and make her feel included. To all my marmite friends, may we stay the same, feel the same and smile the same. And when we are missed out again from a girly night of inanity, lets be proud that we are who we are xxx
ReplyDeleteI went to an all girls school which was rife with cliques and bitching and to be honest it's not much different now in the playground / playgroup / nursery with those Mums you describe. As you say you must be true to yourself as an individual!
ReplyDeleteHere here to everyone's comments. I too have some experience of this,and I'm on my fourth child. However,it just doesn't seem to get to me anymore. Hopefuly you'll eventually feel the same too because there are always people like this in playgrounds all over the world. How awful would you feel if you tried to be someone you're not to please other people. It's hard work trying to keep up a pretence and you would hate yourself for it. So I'm agreeing with helloitsgemma and b*ll**ks to them. x
ReplyDeleteGreat post no wonder it got a load of comments! i understand how you feel. I too am quite outspoken etc, but have found a) I don't want to be friends with people like that anyway and b)so long as you do the best for your kids and are abs lovely to the other Mums' kids then eventually you will make friends with the nice ones. Why not host yr own coffee morning or shove a couple of higgidy pies in the oven and get them round for lunch?
ReplyDeleteLoved this post, I've always described myself as marmite. My daughter is now 13 and no longer needs or wants me to take her to school but when she was in primary school I was never in the clique. More often than not I would stand alone but much like yourself and all the mummies on here I can't stand fakes, phonies and false niceties. I'm an outspoken individual and speak as I find, unfortunately, most people don't admire depth and honesty but I am glad to find like minded and hearted individuals here. You'll find if you stand back long enough these 'in mummies' will gravitate towards you and try and lure you to the dark side!!! Take care and keep smiling xxx
ReplyDeleteI have been there too, I always wanted to be asked on these nights out but now I have some good true friends who I can be myself with I have come to realise that I probably wouldn't have enjoyed going on those nights out anyway - pretending to be someone that I wasn't just to be liked.
ReplyDeleteJust be yourself & don't worry about those in the cliques, you really don't need them - friendships will come & they will be lasting ones
x
Don't worry about these sad women who have nothing better to do than re-live their school days. I hear this from so many mums it is bizarre that it goes on. You have to remember just try to be friends with the parentsyour kids are friends with. After that you have your non schoolmum friends to hang out with. Like the blog!
ReplyDelete