Saturday, 22 January 2011

Technical sexy sirens and faulty fruit !

Monday 17th January
I am immensely proud of my technical prowess today as I have successfully managed to download a nasty virus on my computer wiping out practically all my important information whilst also deleting all access to the internet. 
Talk about multi-tasking.  I should be taking notes from this virus.  Not only did it put my task abilities to shame but it also managed to put a strain on our marriage by creating a huge row between myself and Mr Kingston.  It is the virus equivalent of Angelina Jolie.  Its name – “AntiVirus8” just incase you ever come across this sexy, multi-tasking siren!
Tuesday 18th January
In keeping with my technical hellish week, my very expensive and smart looking hands free kit has decided to give up the ghost.  It won’t turn on, won’t charge when plugged in and doesn’t look sexy anymore.  Do you think it got wind of my computer affair with the sexy virus and has decided it is not worthy of my attention?
Wednesday 19th January
I’m nothing if not consistent.  They say three time’s the charm and in this case the third item on my technical list is my smart phone named after a small fruit.
Whilst getting my weekly aerobic exercise in a disease infested indoor play, the phone froze and died.
After preparing its last rites otherwise known as swearing at it and throwing it against a wall I went to the local mobile phone hospital AKA my mobile phone provider.  They were extremely helpful.
I was kept waiting for over 20 minutes by the staff whilst they joked about the latest “app” which distorts your voice.  During this time my two year old got bored, tore down a couple of posters and rearranged the accessories from the wall to the floor creating an art piece Tracy Emin would have been proud of.
This seemed to get the employee’s attention and after a few minutes of staring at me like I was the evil enemy of Supernanny she patronised me for a further ten minutes before telling me I hadn’t brought ID and there was nothing they could do.
I was ecstatic and hugged her gratefully for showing such compassion and grace to a bedraggled mother.
I then left the shop crying.
On the plus side I’ve found an electrician.
Thursday 20th January
It is my father’s birthday today and due to my busy technical week I had forgotten to get him a card but thanks to the invention of young children I managed to get away with this by forcing my six year old to sing happy birthday over the phone whilst my two year old said “gran-da” a lot in the background.
This worked a charm.  Plus my mother bought him a present on my behalf which he loved.  So it was a win-win situation for everyone.
Friday 21st January
When you become a mother your memory is not as good as it was during your heady days of alcohol, drugs and head banging.
I had completely forgotten the mobile phone shop debacle and took my youngest food shopping with me at the local supermarket.
He had the face of an angel throughout the process even when he managed to pull down Lloyd Grossman curry sauce jars from the shelf breaking them onto the floor, my expensive boots and jeans.  He was also angelic whilst I plied him with the contents of my shopping trolley to keep him placated.
I’m going alone next time!
Saturday 22nd January
Post Offices! I hate them, nearly as much as the people who serve in them and the customers who queue for them.
Today was no exception when the man in front of me pretended to care that the queue was unusually large and my parking ticket was nearly up.
He could see I had only one parcel to send freepost and sympathised with my plight of the worry of getting a parking ticket.
He then proceeded to carry on with his four unpaid for, bulky and un-weighted parcels delaying me just long enough to have to flirt outrageously with a traffic warden.
Luckily the traffic warden was a nearly blind monstrosity and was glad for the sexual attention.