Why would any mum be a class rep?
The job isn't paid, involves trying to pass on valuable information, arrange social events, drum up support for the bloody cake sale and listen to other mums bitching about how they would have done a better job but not actually do it!
I steer clear of my class reps as one is a dodgy geezer bird with an even dodgier geezer "been nicked a few times" husband and the other is a frightening school mum who garners fear wherever she treads - she is also the Pre-School class rep so is obviously a bored housewife and control freak.
This week we have a class rep meeting with the Headmistress and me as Parent Gov'nor.
The headteacher had asked me to write a formal class rep "job spec" as all hell was breaking lose in the school so I thought this would bring harmony. So instead of an anarchistic approach, which has been the norm until now, I opted for a structure of Social class rep and organisation class rep.
I might as well have put on paper that I wanted all class reps dead and their children eaten by a monster.
"We like it as it is" Translation: We like anarchy and doing what the hell we want
"This is too formal" Translation: Because structuring an important role will mean I actually have to do some proper thinking
"Why arrange social things for the class" Translation: I have my clicky group in my class of nasty bitches and we like excluding people.
On the whole it went down quite well considering.
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
Monday 11th February - I am the Guv'nor Which Apparantly Requires Diplomacy
After a typical Monday, stressful morning getting the kids ready for school, working in the morning, stressing out in the afternoon with my 4 year old after pre-school pick up, it was time for school pick up.
But this year my normal pick up is considerably different to the past three years due to nominating myself as a Parent Governor and actually being voted in to do it.
Now this is not a compliment or testament to my fabulous diplomacy (I don't have any), my desire about politics and current affairs (which I do have) or being really liked by the parents at the school (they don't), it's purely because no other mug would do the bloody job!!
On this typical cold Monday 2 parents from Year 5 approached me with a problem and this was it ...
They have tried very hard to arrange a meeting as their daughters are going to a mosque as part of their RE education and they are very very unhappy that their daughters have to cover their heads and are will not allow this to happen.
Now before you gape in astonishment (which i managed not to do but furrowed my brow and looked un-flabbergasted)
They pointed out to me:
I remained very diplomatic, didn't state the bloody obvious and just suggested they note down their issues, arrange a meeting and minute it all to ensure it is all addressed.
I didn't shout "My GOD, you cannot honestly believe what you are saying! I hope you are not poisoning your children with your "non-racist" views!!"
Maybe I am diplomatic afterall.
And for the record, when my son visits the Mosque he will do as is required of him. When in Rome, do as the Romans do whether you like it or not!
But this year my normal pick up is considerably different to the past three years due to nominating myself as a Parent Governor and actually being voted in to do it.
Now this is not a compliment or testament to my fabulous diplomacy (I don't have any), my desire about politics and current affairs (which I do have) or being really liked by the parents at the school (they don't), it's purely because no other mug would do the bloody job!!
On this typical cold Monday 2 parents from Year 5 approached me with a problem and this was it ...
They have tried very hard to arrange a meeting as their daughters are going to a mosque as part of their RE education and they are very very unhappy that their daughters have to cover their heads and are will not allow this to happen.
Now before you gape in astonishment (which i managed not to do but furrowed my brow and looked un-flabbergasted)
They pointed out to me:
- they are not racist and are "fine" with their children going to a Mosque (they are racist and they are not fine)
- they fully embrace all religions and have the utmost respect for all races/religions/colour etc etc (they don't)
- they are happy for their daughters to go to a mosque on the condition they do not have to cover their heads (they are not happy about it and do not respect other cultures)
I remained very diplomatic, didn't state the bloody obvious and just suggested they note down their issues, arrange a meeting and minute it all to ensure it is all addressed.
I didn't shout "My GOD, you cannot honestly believe what you are saying! I hope you are not poisoning your children with your "non-racist" views!!"
Maybe I am diplomatic afterall.
And for the record, when my son visits the Mosque he will do as is required of him. When in Rome, do as the Romans do whether you like it or not!
Monday, 28 January 2013
Getting to the NITty Gritty !!
I have been absent for a while haven't I!
I apologise. I was going to write a short piece on why I have been off for a year and what I have been up to but as I am "itching" to discuss nits here is my year in summary:
However onto more grave matters ... not the nits per say, but the bloody mums who act like they are the plague and if they get wind of it in the school all hell breaks lose.
At 6pm today I got a text which stated - "Hi ladies, its xxx here. not a very nice subject, please could you check your children's hair. I have found some nits in xxx hair. I have cleaned it with nitty gritty comb and put some treatment on her. I have checked for 2 days in a row, she doesn't have it now. I don't know who she picked it up from, someone in the class is spreading it. I've changed all bed sheets and covers, washed all her clothes. I am just hoping we can stop this from spreading and I am going to ask the headteacher to put it in the news letter as well. X"
This is the text verbatim. For goodness sakes, it would be easier to change the nits word to syphilis or the plague.
Before you all accuse me of being facile about this, I am not and get quite irritated when I am having to comb my sons and I for the umpteenth time to get rid of the little blighters, however I see this as part and parcel of school life. It is quite yukky but it is also something that happens that you deal with as and when it arises as well as keeping their hair short and doing regular treatments "just in case" I do not like my sons getting it and have every lotion and potion under the sun, but until they start work after university I accept that this goes with the territory.
So let's now break down this text into what it is really saying:
"Hi ladies, its xxx here. not a very nice subject, please could you check your children's hair. I have found some nits in xxx hair." - HELLO MUMS, I AM GOING TO MENTION SOMETHING VERY GRAVE WHICH COULD ACTUALLY BE SERIOUS LIKE BULLYING OR SOMETHING ELSE VERY IMPORTANT SO LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY. YOUR CHILDREN ARE POTENTIALLY SCABBY AND HAVE HAD THE AUDACITY TO PUT NITS - YES THAT'S RIGHT, NITS - INTO MY LITTLE ANGEL'S BEAUTIFUL AND NORMALLY PERFECT HAIR
"I have cleaned it with nitty gritty comb and put some treatment on her. I have checked for 2 days in a row, she doesn't have it now. " - I HAVE BEEN ENDORSED BY A COMPANY NITTY GRITTY AND HAVE CLEANED MY CHILD AS ANY PERFECT PARENT SHOULD. AFTER DIPPING HER IN SULFURIC ACID AND ALLOWING HER INTO THIS DISEASE RIDDEN SCHOOL I HAVE MANAGED TO STAVE OFF THE DISEASES YOUR CHILDREN HAVE AND I WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY
" I don't know who she picked it up from, someone in the class is spreading it" - I BET IT WAS YOU, IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND IF IT WASN'T YOU THEN SOME OTHER DISGUSTING CHILD IN MY CLASS IS AND THEY NEED TO BE DEALT WITH HARSHLY
"I've changed all bed sheets and covers, washed all her clothes." - I HAVE LOTS OF TIME ON MY HANDS AND HAVE SPENT IT DISINFECTING THE ENTIRE HOUSE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT PERFECT MOTHERS DO. ALTHOUGH SHOULD I ALSO BURN THE CONTENTS OF THE HOUSE AS WELL ??
"I am just hoping we can stop this from spreading and I am going to ask the headteacher to put it in the news letter as well. X" - SO DISINFECT YOUR CHILD IN A SPECIAL CHEMICAL DIP AND IF YOU DON'T YOU ARE VERY VERY BAD AND DISEASE RIDDEN. DEAR GOD, WE NEED TO STOP THIS TERRIBLE DISEASE. I HAVE ALSO TOLD ON YOU TO THE HEADMISTRESS WHO WILL SHAME THE CLASS/SCHOOL INTO FEELING UNCLEAN. kiss kiss.
So there you have it, my take on nits. Or perhaps I am being a little relaxed in my approach - what do you think??
I apologise. I was going to write a short piece on why I have been off for a year and what I have been up to but as I am "itching" to discuss nits here is my year in summary:
- i got a part time job which takes up all my time outside of the kids
- the kids take up all my time outside of my part time job
- the olympics were great fun
- we enjoyed the Queen's jubilee
However onto more grave matters ... not the nits per say, but the bloody mums who act like they are the plague and if they get wind of it in the school all hell breaks lose.
At 6pm today I got a text which stated - "Hi ladies, its xxx here. not a very nice subject, please could you check your children's hair. I have found some nits in xxx hair. I have cleaned it with nitty gritty comb and put some treatment on her. I have checked for 2 days in a row, she doesn't have it now. I don't know who she picked it up from, someone in the class is spreading it. I've changed all bed sheets and covers, washed all her clothes. I am just hoping we can stop this from spreading and I am going to ask the headteacher to put it in the news letter as well. X"
This is the text verbatim. For goodness sakes, it would be easier to change the nits word to syphilis or the plague.
Before you all accuse me of being facile about this, I am not and get quite irritated when I am having to comb my sons and I for the umpteenth time to get rid of the little blighters, however I see this as part and parcel of school life. It is quite yukky but it is also something that happens that you deal with as and when it arises as well as keeping their hair short and doing regular treatments "just in case" I do not like my sons getting it and have every lotion and potion under the sun, but until they start work after university I accept that this goes with the territory.
So let's now break down this text into what it is really saying:
"Hi ladies, its xxx here. not a very nice subject, please could you check your children's hair. I have found some nits in xxx hair." - HELLO MUMS, I AM GOING TO MENTION SOMETHING VERY GRAVE WHICH COULD ACTUALLY BE SERIOUS LIKE BULLYING OR SOMETHING ELSE VERY IMPORTANT SO LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY. YOUR CHILDREN ARE POTENTIALLY SCABBY AND HAVE HAD THE AUDACITY TO PUT NITS - YES THAT'S RIGHT, NITS - INTO MY LITTLE ANGEL'S BEAUTIFUL AND NORMALLY PERFECT HAIR
"I have cleaned it with nitty gritty comb and put some treatment on her. I have checked for 2 days in a row, she doesn't have it now. " - I HAVE BEEN ENDORSED BY A COMPANY NITTY GRITTY AND HAVE CLEANED MY CHILD AS ANY PERFECT PARENT SHOULD. AFTER DIPPING HER IN SULFURIC ACID AND ALLOWING HER INTO THIS DISEASE RIDDEN SCHOOL I HAVE MANAGED TO STAVE OFF THE DISEASES YOUR CHILDREN HAVE AND I WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY
" I don't know who she picked it up from, someone in the class is spreading it" - I BET IT WAS YOU, IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND IF IT WASN'T YOU THEN SOME OTHER DISGUSTING CHILD IN MY CLASS IS AND THEY NEED TO BE DEALT WITH HARSHLY
"I've changed all bed sheets and covers, washed all her clothes." - I HAVE LOTS OF TIME ON MY HANDS AND HAVE SPENT IT DISINFECTING THE ENTIRE HOUSE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT PERFECT MOTHERS DO. ALTHOUGH SHOULD I ALSO BURN THE CONTENTS OF THE HOUSE AS WELL ??
"I am just hoping we can stop this from spreading and I am going to ask the headteacher to put it in the news letter as well. X" - SO DISINFECT YOUR CHILD IN A SPECIAL CHEMICAL DIP AND IF YOU DON'T YOU ARE VERY VERY BAD AND DISEASE RIDDEN. DEAR GOD, WE NEED TO STOP THIS TERRIBLE DISEASE. I HAVE ALSO TOLD ON YOU TO THE HEADMISTRESS WHO WILL SHAME THE CLASS/SCHOOL INTO FEELING UNCLEAN. kiss kiss.
So there you have it, my take on nits. Or perhaps I am being a little relaxed in my approach - what do you think??
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Two pre-school parties and one epiphany !
Saturday 21 and Sunday 22nd January 2012
This weekend I have been
blessed to be invited to two pre-school parties, or are they toddler/tweenie
parties if you are three years old?
Anyway, I am not a huge fan
of these parties as they often involve two things I find frustrating:
1.
Lots of hyped up children on sweets and
over-tiredness running around like nutters
2.
Lots of parents (normally mums) looking
coiffured to within an inch of their lives tottering on exceptionally high
heels and complaining about their latest nanny only working 12 hour days rather
than the hoped for 15
On both counts I get jaw
ache from clenching my teeth too much and forcing an inane smile.
At the first party I was
feeling particularly savvy as I constantly offered to help the birthday boy’s
harassed mother who was eternally grateful whilst giving me the opportunity to
ignore the parents and their conversations about the latest Lipsy design. The only time I had to converse with them was
to offer tea and coffee and found it delightful that I was delegated as the
“help” and therefore not worthy of conversation, although through my glee I
felt a pang of sadness for the real “help” who are probably treated like a
sub-class human being.
This particular party had
the parents decide to entertain the kids themselves by dressing as Power
Rangers. The poor dad was drenched in
sweat and was getting sick of being kicked in the shins. I do hope he didn’t end up with shin
splinters, a very painful experience.
After two hours of dancing,
eating and general mayhem the kids came away suitably hyper and I felt I had
managed to dodge the superficial conversations.
Of course the second party
the next day proved to be harder.
This time I managed to
persuade (force) my husband to attend which I thought would stand me in good
stead as a guaranteed conversation for the two required hours of fun, but
no.
Even my husband was aghast
at the conversations between the parents.
An actual conversation went like this:
Mum no 1 is standing with
her son who had an alice band in his hair in a beckham style
Mum no 2 comes over: “oh my
goodness, your son looks AMAAAAZING like that.
Did you have that alice band designed for him?”
Mum no 1 looking very
pleased with herself: “Oh no, this is my hair band but I wanted him to look
like <insert name of pathetic footballer>”
Mum no 2: “Wow, he looks
faaaabulous, I must start doing this.”
It would be funny if it
wasn’t true, sadly it was!
But despite the fact I
detest these parties and despite the fact I despise going, seeing my sons’
faces at them lights up my heart. I
would walk through glass if it made them happy and do you know what it probably
would.
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
Out and about with the famous & In and around with the commoners
Monday 19th September
It has come to my attention that I live in an area where chatting to the A listers is par for the course.
My day started out like any other Monday, dropping my eldest at school whilst being ignored by the various bitchy mums, popping home to finish clearing up with the help of my 2 year old (no breakages) and being very angry at my broken television.
After clearing away the morning rush I took my son to a toddler gym activity that he goes to every week and was surprised to see quite a few children had joined the class. This immediately put my nose out of joint due to the fact my child is normally spoilt for attention. But I needn't have worried. He was pulling his usual faces and running around like a child on amphetamines. I was so proud. Not so proud of a new trick he has where he pulls up his eyebrows whilst saying "look Japanese". I wonder how long it will be before he is put on the young racist lists that the Government have so helpfully created.
After lunch and a chance to sit in the lounge watching Something Special on my laptop I picked my eldest son up from school.
After getting changed I dropped him off at tennis to find myself confronted by a very famous singer who was also taking her son to tennis. I am pleased to say I managed to somehow annoy her by breathing and tried in vain to be friendly to redress this issue. By doing so I managed to look like a groupie desperate for her to acknowledge my presence. Nice!
At least my email to a Z-list reality celeb and fellow school parent went down well. I was asking him to attend a Fund Raiser I am holding next year.
Speaking to a friend whilst my eldest played tennis, we realised we must live in "Mount Pleasant" where your neighbour is a singer, your school friend is a footballer, a parent is a Z-list celeb and the local rugby coach is an ex-England player. Definitely another dimension.
Tuesday 20th September
Its funny how one day you are chatting with the creme de la creme, and the next you are waiting in for a brick layer who has decided not to turn up and a tv repair man who is refusing to give me a time any more accurate than between 9am and 5pm.
At 12pm, the TV repair man arrived with his henchmen and proceeded to whistle through his teeth (a sure sign of being ripped off) and wouldn't commit to a further delivery date. Do you think he is going to steal my TV?
After my run in with the TV repair thief I briefly had lunch followed by a short argument with my husband regarding getting a job or working from home ... ideally that pays.
Oh, the joys of real life only occasionally impaired by my fleeting life as a housewife who rubs shoulders with the elite.
It has come to my attention that I live in an area where chatting to the A listers is par for the course.
My day started out like any other Monday, dropping my eldest at school whilst being ignored by the various bitchy mums, popping home to finish clearing up with the help of my 2 year old (no breakages) and being very angry at my broken television.
After clearing away the morning rush I took my son to a toddler gym activity that he goes to every week and was surprised to see quite a few children had joined the class. This immediately put my nose out of joint due to the fact my child is normally spoilt for attention. But I needn't have worried. He was pulling his usual faces and running around like a child on amphetamines. I was so proud. Not so proud of a new trick he has where he pulls up his eyebrows whilst saying "look Japanese". I wonder how long it will be before he is put on the young racist lists that the Government have so helpfully created.
After lunch and a chance to sit in the lounge watching Something Special on my laptop I picked my eldest son up from school.
After getting changed I dropped him off at tennis to find myself confronted by a very famous singer who was also taking her son to tennis. I am pleased to say I managed to somehow annoy her by breathing and tried in vain to be friendly to redress this issue. By doing so I managed to look like a groupie desperate for her to acknowledge my presence. Nice!
At least my email to a Z-list reality celeb and fellow school parent went down well. I was asking him to attend a Fund Raiser I am holding next year.
Speaking to a friend whilst my eldest played tennis, we realised we must live in "Mount Pleasant" where your neighbour is a singer, your school friend is a footballer, a parent is a Z-list celeb and the local rugby coach is an ex-England player. Definitely another dimension.
Tuesday 20th September
Its funny how one day you are chatting with the creme de la creme, and the next you are waiting in for a brick layer who has decided not to turn up and a tv repair man who is refusing to give me a time any more accurate than between 9am and 5pm.
At 12pm, the TV repair man arrived with his henchmen and proceeded to whistle through his teeth (a sure sign of being ripped off) and wouldn't commit to a further delivery date. Do you think he is going to steal my TV?
After my run in with the TV repair thief I briefly had lunch followed by a short argument with my husband regarding getting a job or working from home ... ideally that pays.
Oh, the joys of real life only occasionally impaired by my fleeting life as a housewife who rubs shoulders with the elite.
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