I apologise. I was going to write a short piece on why I have been off for a year and what I have been up to but as I am "itching" to discuss nits here is my year in summary:
- i got a part time job which takes up all my time outside of the kids
- the kids take up all my time outside of my part time job
- the olympics were great fun
- we enjoyed the Queen's jubilee
However onto more grave matters ... not the nits per say, but the bloody mums who act like they are the plague and if they get wind of it in the school all hell breaks lose.
At 6pm today I got a text which stated - "Hi ladies, its xxx here. not a very nice subject, please could you check your children's hair. I have found some nits in xxx hair. I have cleaned it with nitty gritty comb and put some treatment on her. I have checked for 2 days in a row, she doesn't have it now. I don't know who she picked it up from, someone in the class is spreading it. I've changed all bed sheets and covers, washed all her clothes. I am just hoping we can stop this from spreading and I am going to ask the headteacher to put it in the news letter as well. X"
This is the text verbatim. For goodness sakes, it would be easier to change the nits word to syphilis or the plague.
Before you all accuse me of being facile about this, I am not and get quite irritated when I am having to comb my sons and I for the umpteenth time to get rid of the little blighters, however I see this as part and parcel of school life. It is quite yukky but it is also something that happens that you deal with as and when it arises as well as keeping their hair short and doing regular treatments "just in case" I do not like my sons getting it and have every lotion and potion under the sun, but until they start work after university I accept that this goes with the territory.
So let's now break down this text into what it is really saying:
"Hi ladies, its xxx here. not a very nice subject, please could you check your children's hair. I have found some nits in xxx hair." - HELLO MUMS, I AM GOING TO MENTION SOMETHING VERY GRAVE WHICH COULD ACTUALLY BE SERIOUS LIKE BULLYING OR SOMETHING ELSE VERY IMPORTANT SO LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY. YOUR CHILDREN ARE POTENTIALLY SCABBY AND HAVE HAD THE AUDACITY TO PUT NITS - YES THAT'S RIGHT, NITS - INTO MY LITTLE ANGEL'S BEAUTIFUL AND NORMALLY PERFECT HAIR
"I have cleaned it with nitty gritty comb and put some treatment on her. I have checked for 2 days in a row, she doesn't have it now. " - I HAVE BEEN ENDORSED BY A COMPANY NITTY GRITTY AND HAVE CLEANED MY CHILD AS ANY PERFECT PARENT SHOULD. AFTER DIPPING HER IN SULFURIC ACID AND ALLOWING HER INTO THIS DISEASE RIDDEN SCHOOL I HAVE MANAGED TO STAVE OFF THE DISEASES YOUR CHILDREN HAVE AND I WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY
" I don't know who she picked it up from, someone in the class is spreading it" - I BET IT WAS YOU, IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND IF IT WASN'T YOU THEN SOME OTHER DISGUSTING CHILD IN MY CLASS IS AND THEY NEED TO BE DEALT WITH HARSHLY
"I've changed all bed sheets and covers, washed all her clothes." - I HAVE LOTS OF TIME ON MY HANDS AND HAVE SPENT IT DISINFECTING THE ENTIRE HOUSE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT PERFECT MOTHERS DO. ALTHOUGH SHOULD I ALSO BURN THE CONTENTS OF THE HOUSE AS WELL ??
"I am just hoping we can stop this from spreading and I am going to ask the headteacher to put it in the news letter as well. X" - SO DISINFECT YOUR CHILD IN A SPECIAL CHEMICAL DIP AND IF YOU DON'T YOU ARE VERY VERY BAD AND DISEASE RIDDEN. DEAR GOD, WE NEED TO STOP THIS TERRIBLE DISEASE. I HAVE ALSO TOLD ON YOU TO THE HEADMISTRESS WHO WILL SHAME THE CLASS/SCHOOL INTO FEELING UNCLEAN. kiss kiss.
So there you have it, my take on nits. Or perhaps I am being a little relaxed in my approach - what do you think??
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