Wednesday, 16 February 2011

My bloody Valentine, Overdosing on Carotene and My War with Alpha Females

Thursday 10th February
My weekly trip to the disease-infested indoor play is a great place to learn how not to parent your children or socialise with other human beings.  This week the other mothers where getting very annoyed with me for bumping their bumper cars on the slow bumper car ride.  I assumed the object of the game was to do what it said on the tin, but I am invariably wrong.
Due to over-ordering carrots on an online supermarket shop I have made sure my children get their weekly dose of carotene in a single meal.  They loved the extra dose of carrots which I was immensely smug about until my children did their usual bedtime routine of running around like nutters until my youngest decorated my bedroom carpet, bedsheets and side table with vomit induced orange with a hint of pink.  At least the smell was awful!
Saturday 12th Feb
Going to children’s birthday parties are a similar experience to soft plays.  A social experiment where the alpha females rule.  I was fortunate enough to attend such a party where the more competitive mums wearing their designer clothes, designer make-up and designer bling were at their most fertile.  There was a lot of puffing up of chests (presumably paid for by their husbands) and squinting eyes observing their territory.  It was a lovely experience being blatantly ignored.  I knew I should have looked less like a mother and more like a catwalk model.
The day did improve with my husband taking me to a lovely Japanese restaurant in Hampstead followed by the best crepe this side of London.
To complete the evening my youngest decided not to sleep for most of the night, preferring to call me into his room on an hourly basis.  I didn’t mind, I was drunk.
Sunday 13th February
Whilst my husband and oldest son went off to play rugby I decided to be the dutiful wife and make a large Sunday roast.  This is not an easy task with a two stone child clinging to your hip, but I successfully managed it allowing me lots of praise and the promise of a relaxing afternoon.
I’m not sure which afternoon my husband was referring to or if he understands the word “relaxing” as shopping for bulk items in a warehouse with two children is not particularly restful.  But at least the items were essential like sandwhich bags and toothbrush heads!
Monday 14th February (Valentine’s Day)
It is traditional in our house to celebrate Valentine’s Day whilst at the same time dismissing it and calling it a waste of money.  We believe this way we are justified in our actions.
Tonight was no exception with a beautiful meal laid on by my good self for my husband consisting of asparagus, large mushrooms, an entire garlic farm and steak, rare of course.  This was followed by a horror movie.  It was a great evening.
Wednesday 16th February
I’m sure glass shelves in fridges (especially ridiculously expensive ones) are toughened and therefore unbreakable.  Well I was sure until the middle shelf decided to shatter all over the inside of the fridge today causing chaos and a little bit of swearing. 
Word of advice, try to break glass when the kids are asleep, they do enjoy walking in broken glass and eating bits off the floor if you’d let them.  Instead I enjoyed a full on tantrum because I wouldn’t allow him to play with the shiny pieces on the floor.  Now I’ve got to trawl the internet for the exact same dangerous shelf so that I can clear up the mess in another few months.