Pre-School Birthday Parties - YUK

Saturday I was forced to go to yet another pre-school party which included the usual key ingredients:

1. Mums dolled up to the nines trying to outdo eachother in their war paint and heels department
2. An entertainer who seemed to believe 4 year olds are very deaf so needed her mic up to 450 decibels inorder to either make their ears bleed or other kids cry
3. A lot of 4 year old children running around on sugar, loud entertainment and S Club Seven (the last of which I am happy to dance to)

During the party I was lucky enough to listen in on important conversations such as who's hair looks the best, which holiday to go on next and how little sex they are having with their husbands.

Also there seems to be a trend at the moment not to provide decent nourishment to children such as vegetables or juice.  Now it is the thing to give them jam sandwiches, crisps and chocolate as a staple lunch whilst making sure the parents get nothing except for a breadstick and water (sparkling of course).  I wouldn't mind but the party was from 12 to 2pm so over the lunch period.

Don't get me wrong (I know I sound so up myself), at my son's party they had pizza but at least there was carrot, tomatoes and cucumber for them to ignore at leisure.

I have decided to go to the next party in a cocktail dress and demand champagne, it may start a trend!

Wednesday 13th Feb - Class Reps AKA Bored Mums AKA Control Freaks

Why would any mum be a class rep?

The job isn't paid, involves trying to pass on valuable information, arrange social events, drum up support for the bloody cake sale and listen to other mums bitching about how they would have done a better job but not actually do it!

I steer clear of my class reps as one is a dodgy geezer bird with an even dodgier geezer "been nicked a few times" husband and the other is a frightening school mum who garners fear wherever she treads - she is also the Pre-School class rep so is obviously a bored housewife and control freak.

This week we have a class rep meeting with the Headmistress and me as Parent Gov'nor.

The headteacher had asked me to write a formal class rep "job spec" as all hell was breaking lose in the school so I thought this would bring harmony.  So instead of an anarchistic approach, which has been the norm until now, I opted for a structure of Social class rep and organisation class rep.

I might as well have put on paper that I wanted all class reps dead and their children eaten by a monster.

"We like it as it is" Translation: We like anarchy and doing what the hell we want
"This is too formal" Translation: Because structuring an important role will mean I actually have to do some proper thinking
"Why arrange social things for the class" Translation: I have my clicky group in my class of nasty bitches and we like excluding people.

On the whole it went down quite well considering.

Monday 11th February - I am the Guv'nor Which Apparantly Requires Diplomacy

After a typical Monday, stressful morning getting the kids ready for school, working in the morning, stressing out in the afternoon with my 4 year old after pre-school pick up, it was time for school pick up.

But this year my normal pick up is considerably different to the past three years due to nominating myself as a Parent Governor and actually being voted in to do it.

Now this is not a compliment or testament to my fabulous diplomacy (I don't have any), my desire about politics and current affairs (which I do have) or being really liked by the parents at the school (they don't), it's purely because no other mug would do the bloody job!!

On this typical cold Monday 2 parents from Year 5 approached me with a problem and this was it ...

They have tried very hard to arrange a meeting as their daughters are going to a mosque as part of their RE education and they are very very unhappy that their daughters have to cover their heads and are will not allow this to happen.

Now before you gape in astonishment (which i managed not to do but furrowed my brow and looked un-flabbergasted)

They pointed out to me:

1. they are not racist and are "fine" with their children going to a Mosque (they are racist and they are not fine)
2. they fully embrace all religions and have the utmost respect for all races/religions/colour etc etc (they don't)
3. they are happy for their daughters to go to a mosque on the condition they do not have to cover their heads (they are not happy about it and do not respect other cultures)

Have you ever seen Avenue Q? If not I recommend it.  There is a song in it called "everyone is a little bit racist" and I firmly believe as a human being we all are.  We are all a little fearful of the unknown and this is natural.  But I am sick to death of people claiming not to be and being so bloody blatantly so!

I remained very diplomatic, didn't state the bloody obvious and just suggested they note down their issues, arrange a meeting and minute it all to ensure it is all addressed.

I didn't shout "My GOD, you cannot honestly believe what you are saying!  I hope you are not poisoning your children with your "non-racist" views!!"

Maybe I am diplomatic afterall.

And for the record, when my son visits the Mosque he will do as is required of him.  When in Rome, do as the Romans do whether you like it or not!

Getting to the NITty Gritty !!

I have been absent for a while haven't I!

I apologise.  I was going to write a short piece on why I have been off for a year and what I have been up to but as I am "itching" to discuss nits here is my year in summary:

• i got a part time job which takes up all my time outside of the kids
• the kids take up all my time outside of my part time job
• the olympics were great fun
• we enjoyed the Queen's jubilee

I hope that summary gave you an indepth insight into my life in the last year.

However onto more grave matters ... not the nits per say,  but the bloody mums who act like they are the plague and if they get wind of it in the school all hell breaks lose.

At 6pm today I got a text which stated - "Hi ladies, its xxx here.  not a very nice subject, please could you check your children's hair. I have found some nits in xxx hair.  I have cleaned it with nitty gritty comb and put some treatment on her.  I have checked for 2 days in a row, she doesn't have it now.  I don't know who she picked it up from, someone in the class is spreading it.  I've changed all bed sheets and covers, washed all her clothes.  I am just hoping we can stop this from spreading and I am going to ask the headteacher to put it in the news letter as well. X"

This is the text verbatim.  For goodness sakes, it would be easier to change the nits word to syphilis or the plague.

Before you all accuse me of being facile about this, I am not and get quite irritated when I am having to comb my sons and I for the umpteenth time to get rid of the little blighters, however I see this as part and parcel of school life.  It is quite yukky but it is also something that happens that you deal with as and when it arises as well as keeping their hair short and doing regular treatments "just in case" I do not like my sons getting it and have every lotion and potion under the sun, but until they start work after university I accept that this goes with the territory.

So let's now break down this text into what it is really saying:

"Hi ladies, its xxx here.  not a very nice subject, please could you check your children's hair. I have found some nits in xxx hair." - HELLO MUMS, I AM GOING TO MENTION SOMETHING VERY GRAVE WHICH COULD ACTUALLY BE SERIOUS LIKE BULLYING OR SOMETHING ELSE VERY IMPORTANT SO LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY.  YOUR CHILDREN ARE POTENTIALLY SCABBY AND HAVE HAD THE AUDACITY TO PUT NITS - YES THAT'S RIGHT, NITS - INTO MY LITTLE ANGEL'S BEAUTIFUL AND NORMALLY PERFECT HAIR

"I have cleaned it with nitty gritty comb and put some treatment on her.  I have checked for 2 days in a row, she doesn't have it now. " - I HAVE BEEN ENDORSED BY A COMPANY NITTY GRITTY AND HAVE CLEANED MY CHILD AS ANY PERFECT PARENT SHOULD.  AFTER DIPPING HER IN SULFURIC ACID AND ALLOWING HER INTO THIS DISEASE RIDDEN SCHOOL I HAVE MANAGED TO STAVE OFF THE DISEASES YOUR CHILDREN HAVE AND I WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY

" I don't know who she picked it up from, someone in the class is spreading it" - I BET IT WAS YOU, IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND IF IT WASN'T YOU THEN SOME OTHER DISGUSTING CHILD IN MY CLASS IS AND THEY NEED TO BE DEALT WITH HARSHLY

"I've changed all bed sheets and covers, washed all her clothes." - I HAVE LOTS OF TIME ON MY HANDS AND HAVE SPENT IT DISINFECTING THE ENTIRE HOUSE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT PERFECT MOTHERS DO.  ALTHOUGH SHOULD I ALSO BURN THE CONTENTS OF THE HOUSE AS WELL ??

 "I am just hoping we can stop this from spreading and I am going to ask the headteacher to put it in the news letter as well. X" - SO DISINFECT YOUR CHILD IN A SPECIAL CHEMICAL DIP AND IF YOU DON'T YOU ARE VERY VERY BAD AND DISEASE RIDDEN.  DEAR GOD, WE NEED TO STOP THIS TERRIBLE DISEASE.  I HAVE ALSO TOLD ON YOU TO THE HEADMISTRESS WHO WILL SHAME THE CLASS/SCHOOL INTO FEELING UNCLEAN. kiss kiss.

So there you have it, my take on nits.  Or perhaps I am being a little relaxed in my approach - what do you think??

Two pre-school parties and one epiphany !

Saturday 21 and Sunday 22^nd January 2012

This weekend I have been blessed to be invited to two pre-school parties, or are they toddler/tweenie parties if you are three years old?

Anyway, I am not a huge fan of these parties as they often involve two things I find frustrating:

1.     Lots of hyped up children on sweets and over-tiredness running around like nutters

2.     Lots of parents (normally mums) looking coiffured to within an inch of their lives tottering on exceptionally high heels and complaining about their latest nanny only working 12 hour days rather than the hoped for 15

On both counts I get jaw ache from clenching my teeth too much and forcing an inane smile.

At the first party I was feeling particularly savvy as I constantly offered to help the birthday boy’s harassed mother who was eternally grateful whilst giving me the opportunity to ignore the parents and their conversations about the latest Lipsy design.  The only time I had to converse with them was to offer tea and coffee and found it delightful that I was delegated as the “help” and therefore not worthy of conversation, although through my glee I felt a pang of sadness for the real “help” who are probably treated like a sub-class human being.

This particular party had the parents decide to entertain the kids themselves by dressing as Power Rangers.  The poor dad was drenched in sweat and was getting sick of being kicked in the shins.  I do hope he didn’t end up with shin splinters, a very painful experience.

After two hours of dancing, eating and general mayhem the kids came away suitably hyper and I felt I had managed to dodge the superficial conversations.

Of course the second party the next day proved to be harder.

This time I managed to persuade (force) my husband to attend which I thought would stand me in good stead as a guaranteed conversation for the two required hours of fun, but no. 

Even my husband was aghast at the conversations between the parents.  An actual conversation went like this:

Mum no 1 is standing with her son who had an alice band in his hair in a beckham style

Mum no 2 comes over: “oh my goodness, your son looks AMAAAAZING like that.  Did you have that alice band designed for him?”

Mum no 1 looking very pleased with herself: “Oh no, this is my hair band but I wanted him to look like <insert name of pathetic footballer>”

Mum no 2: “Wow, he looks faaaabulous, I must start doing this.”

It would be funny if it wasn’t true, sadly it was!

But despite the fact I detest these parties and despite the fact I despise going, seeing my sons’ faces at them lights up my heart.  I would walk through glass if it made them happy and do you know what it probably would.